Forgiveness

 

Coming to know who we really are: In our essence, as unique beings is the ONLY way to live fully in the moment, in harmony with ourselves and others ~ In a world full of other unique beings: With all manner of ways of thinking, feeling and being.

I’ve been reflecting upon ‘forgiveness’ again lately and through an experience that had a profound impact on my life, I’d like to look at: When we ‘forgive’ are we sending a message that what has been done is excusable, justifiable and allowable?   

Before I came to Sydney, I lived in Mildura for a year. Towards the end of that year, I came off the back of a motor bike, traveling at well over 100 MILES an hour.

Fortunately it was a country road and there were no other cars around: And fortunately my full visa helmet was secure or I possibly would have lost my nose. As it was, I came out pretty lightly (physically speaking) with just a faint scar on the top of my lip now (after plastic surgery) and the remnants of a gravel rash on my chin, that under magnification still looks like the surface of the moon. 

Miraculously no bones were broken, but my lower face had to be stitched and bandaged immediately and I was in hospital for 4 days unable to move my entire body: But worst of all, unable to move my mouth, unable to talk or even smile let alone eat or drink.

After 4 days they thought I should see my partner: The person responsible? for my injuries. I hadn’t seen my face, but could feel it was incredibly cut and still swollen so I wanted to keep my bandages on. The nurses were incredibly kind and felt it would be best for my partner to see my face as it was, because hidden behind bandages, he may have felt it was worse than what it truly was.

So it was to be the first time I would see my face (in a mirror) too: I can't describe this experience now because I actually can't remember it. But I do recall that when the doctor at the hospital (who already knew me) first saw me, he had tears in his eyes: as I have now in writing this.

And when my employer came to see me he also had tears in his eyes: As I still have now. I couldn’t cry at the time because it hurt my face too much to move: The emotional pain I’m feeling now is finally being expressed in a physical sense.

During my 4 days ‘rest’ I had started to come to terms with the idea that my face was no longer ‘beautiful’ (I can say that now as I feel that all 28 year olds have beautiful faces) and possibly ‘scared for life’ and that being disfigured was a ‘gift’ because it would ensure that my inner life would need to be far more important to me. And of course coming so close to ‘certain death’ I had a deep gratitude of being alive.   

So when the new girlfriend of my partner came to see me and stared at me speechlessly: I just told her I had ‘forgiven’ her: She must have wondered what on earth I was talking about.  

Going back a bit: Coming off the bike, I flew through the air, but can only recall the bike leaning too far to the side as we rounded what seemed to be a tight curve and the foot peg scraping against the road: And then the final landing, tumbling face first along the road. My only thought, as I lay on the road, was that I must have been dead, but I was able to stand up and looking back could see a cloud of smoke completely obliterating the road in the distance:

As I started walking back I could just make out the bike in the middle of the road, on its side, with my partner lying beside it. It was too much to hope for that he could possibly be alive.

And then like a dream in slow motion another bike came out of the smoke and rode straight over the top of him. Now I knew that he couldn’t possibly survive that.   

I can’t believe how with arms and legs and face totally pummeled, I could run .. But I did. And numb to my own pain, I checked my unconscious partner’s breathing and he was still breathing.

I literally had to YELL and SCREAM at his ‘frozen’ biker companion, to go for an ambulance for us: He was in a dilemma about contacting anyone for help: Concerned because we had been riding on his bike. Can’t remember the model but it was a HUGE, black, shiny and very powerful bike. Not to mention we had been speeding just a tad.  

A woman stopped and together we took off my partner’s helmet and tended to him. Won’t go into the details, but his face was badly cut too.

Back to seeing my partner for the first time after the accident: He told me how wonderful his experience had been: Being unconscious, he had felt no pain and then actually enjoyed the sensation of floating on morphine. After just a few minutes he asked me to go. He couldn’t bear to see me with my face the way it was.

Back in my room, flat on my back, I experienced the deepest pain of rejection in my life (that I’m aware of anyway) and unable to physically express it, it perhaps went deeper and deeper into my psyche.  

And all the time I believed, I was ‘working’ with ‘forgiveness’ based on trying to ‘understand’ his life needs. ‘Forgiving’ him for being recklessness: ‘Forgiving’ him for wanting to have another relationship. ‘Forgiving’ him for the sufferings I had already endured and was enduring and it seemed, was going to continue enduring.

Totally immersed in his thoughts, his passions, his conflicts, I gave little space to see my own. But recalling now with gratitude, my astute employer who allowed me to have time-out to be with one of my co-workers: And talking with her enabled me to observe my own feelings just a little more.    

Suffice it to say ‘my marriage’ was full of emotional upheaval and conflict and soon after we separated. A few years later an astrologer said: ‘WOW what happened to you in your 28^th year: That was no ordinary Saturn Return.’

Back to forgiveness: I was also trying to ‘Forgive’ my partner for not listening to me: Because I had sensed quite strongly that it wasn’t right for us to ride this bike, under the circumstances we were in. I expressed my apprehension and was told not to be so idiotic. So climbing on the back of the bike, all I could do was try to put aside my (well founded) fears. Trying didn’t work.   

Not that I dwell on this incident or this part of my life too much any more: But only recently a new understanding came. And I now see that if anyone needs forgiveness it was/is me. Because it was me, that was not strong enough to listen and follow my own inner knowing.

And so my feeling is that if there is ever anything that ever needs our forgiveness it is when we do not follow our own inner knowing: When we become too concerned with the outer world or what others will think/say to be able to hear and then stay true to our own inner voice: It may be quiet but it really does know what is best for me and therefore for all concerned.